Living in a Lie
by PINK
Summary: all in all it's BSpost-series finally buffy is in here new life, not really what she wanted or expected. she needs help getting out of the lie
1. Default Chapter

Ok so here's a new story for all to read.  I personally think it's going to be good, because I'm wicked excited to write it, and that doesn't happen very often.  So basically it will be a Buffy/Spike fic.  But there's going to be a lot of stuff going on at the same time.  It will cross into Angel a bit, since that's where spike is.  Just read and review and I'm sure the most of you will enjoy.  Thanks.

_February 25 '04___

_Dear Diary,_

_It's been so long since I've written anything in here.  My last entry was more than a year ago, just after __Tara__ died.  But I promise myself to write in here as much as I can, if not every day.  Dawn and I have finally settled into a new house.  It's smaller than the last, since there's only the two of us living here now.  Dawn is finishing her last year of high school at last.  She's doing exceptionally well, and I'm so proud of her for pulling her life together even with all the stress and problems we have with being on our own.  Money is hard to come by, but we're both working and as long as we manage to pay the bills than we're good._

_Willow__ has left __California__.  Last I heard from her she was in the southwestern states helping with covens.  She has grown and matured so much since her powers blossomed.  I think she's planning to leave to __Europe__ soon.  She told me she wanted to gain experience with people who practice the old magic that's been around for millenniums.  Giles invited her over there too.  He's back in __England__ and says that there are tons of people that want to meet __Willow__.  Apparently they could all feel her power riding through them on that night.   I miss her so much.  The house feels so empty without her cheer.  I feel lost without __Willow__ here.  Even when she was all dark and stuff, she was like a rock for me to lean on.  She took my side and supported my decisions.  I feel selfish admitting all this.  It's not like I need her powers to help me fight anything anymore, there's no hell mouth or rogue vampires attacking anyone.  I just kind of feel like a lost puppy without her here.  _

_As for Xander, well, I try to talk to him as much as I can.  He lives just on the other side of town, and is working with a construction company.  He works long hard hours in hopes to have his own construction company.  His learnt to live life with his eye problem.  I think the first few months were hard for him with Anya's death and all.  He really did love her, more than any of us I think.  I remember going to see him, and every day he would just sit on the couch and just watch television.  There was nothing me or Dawn could really do to help him.  In time he got over it, and now he's doing well, which is all that matters.  _

_As for me, my life seems wasted.  I feel like I'm hitting my midlife crisis at a very young age.  Now that there's nothing left to kill or destroy my life as lost all purpose.  When we first moved I went patrolling, but after almost three months of nothing I gave up.  There's no need for a slayer anymore.  At least not around here.  There's no sense on moving to somewhere where my expertise are needed, because I'm no longer special, I'm no longer the one.  I've unleashed the power of all potential slayers, and at the same time I put an end to the only life I even new.  I don't regret doing what I did.  There was no other way to save us.  I guess I just wish there had been another way.  Selfish? Extremely!  I thought I always just wanted to be a normal girl and have a normal life, but here I have that and I'm more unhappy than I've ever been.  I'm not really sure if it's just the slaying, or losing all my friends.  Maybe it's both, maybe it's neither.  Something is very wrong with me.  There is a piece of me missing.  A piece that I lost the night we destroyed the first.  The only thing I've got left of my life is a punching bag, and trunk full of weapons._

_These past months I've discovered that I don't do normal very well.  I've had three jobs since we moved here, neither of them good or well paying.  I need the money though.  I want Dawn's life to be better than mine.  She's going to university next year, and I want to be able to help her out as much as I can.  The only way I can do that is with these stupid jobs.  My social life is about as exciting as working.  I hardly go out on the weekends, especially since I have no friends to go out with.  Some guys have asked me out, and I've even gone on a few dates!  Yet there's never anything there.  It's like I would have to pretend to be some one different for them to like me, and I can't do that.  I think I just heard Dawn come in the door.  I'm going to hurry and finish this entry._

_I wish I had someone here who understood me.  I mean all of me.  Everything I've gone through, all the pain and suffering.  Someone who knows what it's like to die and still be alive.  I wish there was someone who knows what it's like to lose everything they ever knew._

_I wish Spike were here_.


	2. bye dawn

Don't worry this entire story is not just all journal entries.  There's going to be lots of dialogue and all that jazz.  I just need away to get the story to where I want it to be, so right now it's just journal entries.  I think the next chapter will be normal.  It's going to start getting good really soon I think.  This chapter isn't very long, sorry about that. 

Shout out to my only reviewer WOLF116  as long as one person wants to read this story I'll keep writing it!

_September 6 '04_

_Today was the big day.  The day Dawn left for university.  I took her to the bus station this morning to begin a new life.  She's going to do something great with her life.  I wish mom could have been there with me, watching the bus pull out.  I would have gone with Dawn for a few days to help her get settled in, but we didn't have enough money, and I couldn't afford to take the time off work.  _

_            Yesterday I received a letter from __Willow__.  She has been spending the last few months in __Ireland__ with the Bellick coven.  She said it amazes her how much power she has, and never really understood it.  She was happy to here that Dawn was going to university and sent her regards.  Everyone is so proud of Dawn and everything she has done in the last year.  Wow, I can hardly believe it's already been about year since we've been here.  It seems like longer and shorter at the same time._

_Willow__ seems to be enjoying herself; she's to be learning so much.  I still wish she were here, but I guess I've sort of accepted my new lonesome life.  In many ways I think it's good that Dawn is gone now.  Don't get me wrong, I'll miss her terribly, but I don't think this domestic environment was good for her.  I was never around to spend time with her, and she had too much responsibility for still being young.  University will give her chance to explore life on her own, and not have to worry about paying bills or anything like that.  She now has the chance to be free from this life; free from me.  Who knows, maybe I'm just making up excuses to help me cope with her leaving. _

_ These days it's hard for me to trust the thoughts that go through my head.  I keep wondering what I'm going to do with myself now that Dawn's not here.  I have nothing left.  I considered quitting my job, because I hate it so much, but I figured that if I keep it then I can periodically send money to Dawn.  I guess I also need to live, but that just isn't a priority anymore.  Everything I've been doing this past year has been for Dawn, and now she's gone.  I wonder if I'm ever going to better myself.  I wonder if I can better myself.  It all seems so impossible.  Well I have to go to work now unfortunately. _

_November 1 '04___

_Halloween definitely is different now.  It's so innocent, or something like that.  It's just not what I'm used to.  I had a dream about Spike last night.  Again.  This time it wasn't a replay of that…that awful night.  It was a good dream.  A dream with just the two of us, and no one else.  It was like the world around me had stopped so that him and I could have one everlasting minute together.  It was amazing.  God I miss him.  It's funny, I tried so hard to get him out of my life.  All those years he followed me like a killer plague, and now that he's gone I want him more than ever.  I want his undead body next to mine at night, I want our petty fights, I want to be called 'love' and 'pet' again.  Or am I just being delusional_?


	3. spike

Ok, so this is set in LA with the Angel crew.  I haven't been watching Angel much of late, and I know that they brought Spike back some how, but I guess I just changed that little bit of info around so that it fits my story!! Hope you all enjoy…my computer is currently broken so there's unfortunately going to be longer breaks between each chapter until I get it fixed!!!!

In L.A…..

Fred sat on a stool at the lab counter.  Her back was aching from being hunched over all day.  It had only been about a week since Spike had arrived via shiny pendant.  At first he'd seemed confused and lost.  He didn't quite understand why he was stuck somewhere between life and death.  Ever since it set in that he's merely a ghost Spike has become more and more depressed.  Initially he had gone to Fred fro help.  She was the only one there that he could talk to.  Spike figured that the brainy scientist lady would try to help him become solid again.  Yet as the days pressed on he feared that there was no hope left, he was doomed to life as a ghost.   The only problem was that Spike refused to spend his time as ghost.  He needed life or death and nothing in between.  If he couldn't have life, then he would find a way to get the other.

            For the past couple of weeks Spike spent of his time wondering around the building and city trying to avoid Angel and his crew.  He also spent quite a bit of time with Fred in the research labs trying to help her in any way possible.  She was the only one there that had any sympathy for Spike.  He appreciated everything she was doing for him.  She had never judged him, or made him feel like a monster because of his past.  She reminded him a lot of Buffy in that way.  Maybe that's why he attached himself to her so quickly.

            The sun had not yet begun to rise in Las Angeles, but it was well pass midnight.  Spike stood at the top of the few stairs that led down to the lab.  There were only two lights on in the giant room and he just stood there watching Fred work.  He wasn't aware of how long he had been standing there.  Then again he didn't really keep track of time anymore, it seemed pointless.  Spike only needed to know two times; night and day.  Everything else didn't matter anymore.  Normally Spike would just go down and see how she was doing.  Fred would welcome his interruption and they would get a chance to talk.  But tonight was different.  Tonight he was going to ask her to help him die completely.  No more being ghost, just gone for good!  He hesitated at first, and then managed to go down the first step.  He took in a quiet breath and slowly moved down and through the room.  Fred's concentration never once broke as he moved towards her.  All he could think was how dedicated she was to her work.  Spike felt guilty for what he was about to ask her, especially after all the hard she'd put in to finding a way to save him.  He stood right behind her and realized that she starring down into a microscope.  He leaned down so his face was almost next to hers.  The room was so silent; Spike swore he could hear her heart beating.  She hardly moved or even fidgeted.  If it wasn't fro the movements her chest made when she breathed, she would appear lifeless.

            "Still at work, love," Spike said softly, his lips right next to her ear.  Fred jumped in her seat, her head springing back.  "Calm down, it's just me."

            "Spike!  I didn't hear you come in," Fred said as her nerves calmed.

            "Yea, I can tell.  I'd like to believe I'm just very stealthy, but I think it's the whole ghost thing that makes me quiet," he flashed her one of his I'm-so-charming smiles.

            Fred gave a small laugh, "It was getting late, I didn't think you were coming by tonight."

            "Would I miss spending quality time with you?" his grin widened.

            Fred felt a blush creeping up her cheeks, and she lowered her head so that Spike couldn't see it.  She tried to stop it, but failed.  It was just that smile that got to her.  It reached all the way up to his eyes and made them sparkle.  He always looked truly happy when he smiled like that.  It always got to her, and gave her a warm and fuzzy feeling.  She looked back up and saw that the smile had faded and was replaced with a very serious look.

            "I do have some sort of important to tell you tonight," Spike said slowly.

            Fred came back to reality and remembered why she wanted to see Spike, "I have something to tell you too."

            "Ladies first, love."

            "I think I might have a found a way to bring you back.  I'm almost positive it will work.  It was partially science having to do with the amino acids of the messenger RNA, but there's also a magic part.  Since this was done to you magically it's no wonder that magic is needed to reverse it.  I definitely don't claim to be a genius when I comes to magical arts, but I contacted you witch friend, Willow, in England and she told me what I needed to do.  It doesn't involve anything too advanced and you don't need any one with a natural gift for magic to do it.  And I'm going to stop rambling since you said you have something important to tell me," she took in a deep breath.

            All Spike could do was stare at her.  He hadn't caught much past 'I can bring you back', but that's all he really needed to hear.  He knew, whether Fred saw it or not, that he had a look of disbelief on his face.  Spike had given up on himself, she hadn't, and she was the one that succeeded.  At that moment Fred was the most amazing person alive.

            "Spike?" Fred said, unsure of if he had heard her.  Spike blinked and looked at her.  "What did you have to tell me?" she asked.

            "Forget it, love.  It's not nearly as important as what you just told me!" he exclaimed.  "So you actually can bring me back?"

            "Yes," Fred smiled triumphantly.

            "That's amazing.  Bloody amazing!  You don't know how much this means to me!  In this life time or the next, I swear that I will repay you!" Spike smile, and could feel tears stinging his eyes.  Fred had stuck by her word and was bring him back.

            "When can we do this? When can we bring me back?"

            "Two days.  I'll get all the stuff tomorrow and make the, well, potion," she hesitated searching for a better word, "and it takes twenty-four hours for the magical stuff to kick in and start doing what it does.  So in two days we'll bring back."

            "That's absolutely brilliant.  Oh, and if you could, love, don't tell Angel and the others."  Spike could hardly believe that in two days he'd be back, and able to leave Las Angeles.  Then the most amazing thought entered his head; he'd be able to find Buffy.


	4. depression and thoughts

Wow I've been a long time coming with this chapter!!! Thousands of apologies.  And to make things worse this chapter is ridiculously short!  I know what I want to happen in a few chapters, but I need to work my way there.  I think I'll be writing faster now. This chapter just wasn't working for me, and I needed to add another blurp  about buffy and what she's doing.  Holy shit I'm so sorry for lacking these days!!  I cant believe how short this is!! Unreal!  Please review any ways.  I'm sorry!!!!!!!!  

THANKS TO EVERY ONE WHO HAS ALREADY REVIEWED.  IF YOU HAVE IDEAS PLEASE LEAVE THEM IN THE REVIEW.  MUCH THANKS LOVE YOU ALL!!!

_Dear Diary,_

_Dawn is doing so well at university.  I get a letter from her almost once a week.  She says life there is so different than what she's used to.  I bet she loves every minute of it. _

_ I remember what university life was like.  No parents, no restrictions, dorm rooms, the good life.  Those years spend in university are truly the best time of your life.  I wish _

_I could have stayed longer.  I'm happy she's enjoying herself.  Dawn is finally getting everything I wanted for her, and everything I was not fortunate enough to have.  The _

_one__ person I haven't heard from in a while is __Willow__.  Last time she sent me a letter she was in __Ireland__.  I'd like to get an update on what she's doing, and maybe see if she _

_knows__ how Giles is doing.  I want to hear more about her life.  It seems to add a spark to my dull monotone routing._

_I've decided that I need to escape the small town scene.  It's driving me crazy.  I was thinking about going to __Los Angeles__, but then I'd be faced with Angel.  I'm not _

_ sure I'm ready to relight that flame.  Perhaps I'll head out to __San Francisco__.  It's a big city, full of life and things to do.  Maybe even some vampire to slay.  Although I'm_

_ not the slayer any more.  Even thinking about slaying is useless.  I'm never going to get it back and I just have to accept it!  It's so hard.  It's like a way of life.  How can_

_ you go about changing your entire life?  God knows I've tried desperately to accept what I have and to get over what I've lost.  I can't do it!  I'll I'm doing is becoming_

_ more depressed. I feel more and more useless everyday.  I'm just taking up space and wasting oxygen.  I want it back.  I want everything back.  I want vampires, and_

_ apocalypses, and a hellmouth...and...and...and I want Spike! Oh god…Spike! I can't…_

            Buffy shut her diary.  She leaned back in her chair feeling the tears sting her eyes.  Her lips started to tremble, and slowly her entire body started to shake.   Her teeth clenched

 together, she tried to fight back all the pain, all the frustration.  She tried to shove it down and bottle it back up.  She fought with every part of her body, until she finally couldn't hold it 

down.  Buffy opened her mouth and screamed as loud and as long as she could.  She screamed as if she where trying to let loose all her pain through her mouth.  Buffy curled her legs

 up to her chest, wrapping her arms around herself.  She held herself tight, rocking back and forth in the chair.  Remembering the touch, the smell, the sound, the everything that Spike 

was.  How has she managed to go so long without him?  Every day she felt closer and closer to death.  

            Buffy pushed the chair back and tried to stand up.  Her face was stained in tears that were turned black from mascara.  She took a step away from the desk and felt her knees 

give out.  Her knees hit the floor, and she laid there sobbing.  Her fingers gripped the wooden floor boards, as if she were trying to push right through them.  Her entire body heaved 

with each gasp, and scream.  How could she feel so much for this man? He'd tried to rape, he'd tried to kill her, tried to hurt those she held closest.  This man who affected her thoughts, 

her actions, her emotions, even her sense of judgment! He undid her completely, left her vulnerable.  Now Buffy was completely alone.  There was no one left in her life.  Her family, her 

friends, her Spike, they were all gone from her.  

            Getting up on one knee Buffy managed to push herself to her hands and knees.  She crawled her way over to the huge trunk that held all of her old weapons.  Opening it, she

 reached in and grabbed one of her favorite weapons, an eight inch dagger.  She pushed herself to her feet and turned to face the mirror.  Her hair was messed, and her face was red 

and puffed from crying.  She stared at herself holding the knife in her hand.  It was a sight she had seen so many times; it wasn't unusual or unfamiliar to her.  The knife was comfortable 

to hold, it was the perfect fit for her small hands.  She looked at herself and never imagined she would hold this dagger with the thought that was running through her mind.  


	5. oh to feel again

Oh my god! Can you believe it?  Another chapter already!!! It's insane!  So thanks to everyone who read and reviewed this story so far!! I do appreciate it, even though there's only like nine of you!! It's all good though.  I love it!  I've even started working on the next chapter!!

Two day had gone by and Fred was back down in her lab.  She was going over a checklist in her head.  She wanted to make sure that she hadn't forgotten anything.  The last thing she needed was to try bringing Spike back and discover she'd forgotten to put something into the mixture.  Fred walked over to the counter and gave the boiling solution a stir.  For the first time in her life she was going to try and do something involving magic.  She knew the genetic part of the mixture was done right, but how would she know if she'd done the other part right?  How did anyone ever know magic would work?  There was no way to prove it would.  With science Fred could get concrete proof for success.  She could do tests and not have any doubts.  

            She paced back and forth across the room, looking at the clock every thirty seconds.  Where was he?  It was almost midnight and Spike wasn't there yet.  He was usually there before midnight.  Her eyes glanced over to the stairs hoping to see him standing there.  Her nerves were starting to jump.  Fred wanted to get it over with.  She started snapping the purple elastic band around her wrist.  A creak in the floor made her head turn to the far corner of the room.  Spike emerged from the shadow, once again giving Fred a start. 

            "Spike!" she gasped.

            "Hello love," he smiled slightly.  His hand lightly ran over the counter tops, but his eyes flicked back and forth between the filled beaker and Fred.

            "How long have you been standing there?" she asked,

            "The best part of thirty minutes."

            "Why didn't you just let me know you were her?  You could have already been back to corporal form."

            "True, but you only get to be a ghost once…I hope."

            "So why did you decide to come out of the shadow then?"

            "Well I didn't want you to snap off your pretty little wrist with that rubber band," Spike gave his charming grin as he walked closer to her.

            Fred looked down and could see his feet.  She knew he was standing right in front of her.  She turned around so that she could look up and not have to stare into his face.  She cleared her throat, "Well, why don't we get this done then.  I'm sure you're dying to be solid again."

            "Always business.  I like that," said Spike.  He sat on a stool, "alright lets get this don't."

            Fred turned off the burner, and scooped a cupful of this mixture into a cup.  "So apparently all you have to do is drink it.  Don't forget that it's not going to make you human or anything like that.  This potion is supposed to do is give you back that form you had before becoming a ghost.  In all honest truth, I don't know if it's actually going to work, because I've never mixed science and magic before.  Actually I've never even done magic before.  For all I know this could do nothing or it could make you disappear forever.  I did everything like I was supposed to, so I guess it should work, and I'm nervous."

            Spike laughed softly, "even if it doesn't work I'll worship you for trying."  He reached his hand out, and Fred gave him the full cup.  He stared at the odd looking liquid for a few moments.  "Cheers," he said drinking it down.  It felt like it was burning is insides.  It burned him!  He could feel it.  He could feel the liquid inside him.  Spike hardly believed he could feel it.  It seemed like so long since he had felt anything!  

            The next thing he felt was a sharp pain on his tongue as he cut it on one of his fangs.  The bitter metallic taste of blood filled his mouth.  Spike turned to face Fred, an ecstatic smile fell across his face.  He grabbed her by the shoulders and pulled her into him.  His arms wrapped around her and he had to fight to hold back the stinging tears.  They had done it.  She had done it!

            "Thank you," he choked out.  Spike's face was buried in the hair on top of head.  "Thank you," he said again, "Thank you!"


	6. life choice

Alright so here's a new chapter!! It's pretty good I suppose, kinda cheesy at parts!! Well I really hope that every one enjoys this chapter, and please if you're reading this review..it only take like 2 minutes out of your life!!

Was this it then?  Was this really how it's going to end?  How weak could she get!  She'd been killed twice from supernatural events, and been fighting the undead for years.  Now here she was standing in front of her mirror holding a knife that was made to kill evil.  Was she evil?  Many would argue that she is.  Her kill count had surpassed her memory, but was it not justified by save the world on more than on occasion.  

Buffy starred at herself in the mirror.  She was the vampire slayer.  She was one of the fiercest fighters on the planet.  She had been the strongest slayer to appear in ages.  Buffy held the knife close to her throat; she was breathing, but everything about her looked dead; just like a vampire.  She pressed the blade even closer; it felt cold against the heat of her skin.  It would be just like killing another vampire.  Just one less dead body wrecking the world.  The only difference was that her body wouldn't turn to dust, it will bleed.  She'd feel all the pain.  She'd be able to watch herself die.  Not many people get that opportunity.  Death usually washes over people in surprise.  Rarely were they standing in front of a mirror just waiting for death to claim them.

The cordless phone on her dresser then started to ring making Buffy jump.  She looked down at the phone and saw the name DAWN SUMMERS appear in the caller ID box.  She let the phone continue to ring; there was no answering machine so it would ring on forever.  Was that the last thing she would see before death?  That would be her last memory of Dawn.  How will Dawn feel when she find out about her older sister's death.  Her entire family would be dead.  Buffy stopped to thing about what she was doing.  She was going to wreck Dawn's life!  How selfish was she?  Buffy picked up the phone, "hi Dawn," she said with a weak voice.

"Hey Buffy, how's it going?" asked Dawn.

"Everything is great!" she felt herself smile, "how about you?"

            "I'm doing real good," Dawn replied, "I don't really have a lot of time to talk, because I can't afford, but I felt like I needed to call you.  Just one of those gut feelings, life something's wrong.  Apparently you're doing great, so I guess the feeling was wrong."

"Don't worry Dawnie.  I'm doing great!" she lied.

"Alright. Good.  Okay, well I sent you a letter yesterday, so, yea, it's coming."

"Okay thanks."

"Bye Buffy."

"Bye Dawn," Buffy hung up the phone.  She looked up at the mirror and no longer saw a blade at her throat.  She felt calmer now.  The dagger was still in her right hand. Her grip loosened until it fell from her fingers and stabbed into the floor.  She couldn't do it!  She couldn't abandon Dawn like that.  Her entire life Buffy abandoned Dawn to go and fight, but Dawn was always there when she returned, she was always there to help Buffy.  Now that Dawn was off doing her thing Buffy promised herself she would always be there when Dawn needed a home to return to.  

   She went and sat back down at her desk, grabbed a pen, and started writing again:

   _I almost did something stupid.  I was selfish and only thinking about myself.  I never took a moment to consider how my actions might affect other people.  Dawn called me and that's when I realized that it would be unfair if I killed myself.  Her gut feeling had been dead on.  There was something very wrong with me, and thanks to her I'm still here.  Dawn saved my life today.  It's a phone call I'll never forget!_

_   I'm making a promise to myself.  I'm making a promise to Dawn.  I promise to always be around for her, and to never leave her.  I promise to keep pushing through my hell so that she can have her heaven.  I promise!_  



	7. New city

Hey hey! I'm back with a new chapter. Yes it is fairly short unfortunately. I just find it really hard to write long chapters lately. This entire story is full of shorties!! Man, I'm so sorry it has taking so unbelievably long for me to update. I'M LACKING! Any ways hope you all enjoy this!  
  
Dear Diary,  
  
I've done it, I've finally done it. I managed to escape the small town scene and now I find myself living in a run down part of San Francisco a few blocks from the heart of the city. Some would question if this was really an advancement in my life. To me anything is better than that small town. I felt like I was suffocating there. Every breath harder than the last. Now I'm free. Unfortunately the move and my new found freedom haven't been as uplifting as I initially thought. I still have to work shitty jobs with bad hours. I don't think I'll ever get the chance to go back to school and actually make something of myself. It's too costly, and right now all my money goes towards four things: food, shelter, clothes, and Dawn. Who know, I might even be able to cut back on the first three. That way I could send even more money to Dawn.  
I need a job immediately, so that I can get that money for Dawn. The whole idea of getting a job makes me want to run away screaming. All I ever get to be is the lowest of the low. A school counselor was the best I ever did, but I only got that job because of Principal Wood. I have no qualifications to do anything. I don't like being independent! Maybe I should just move to England, that way Giles can find a job for me. Or maybe Xander would put in a good word for me with his company. I could do construction. I'm strong and can life things, and help build whatever it is they build. And I bet it pays more than McDonalds. However I'd then have to move back to the small town. That would be the worst pain EVER!  
There always Angel. He's always there fore me. I know he'd help out in a second. It's not like he doesn't have enough money to help me, but I don't know if I could handle that right now. It's impossible for me and Angel to see each other and just be friends. We'll always be more than that. Seeing Angel again, working with Angel again would mean re-lighting that flame. Am I ready for that? I don't fell like I am. As much as I would like to work using my expertise in vampires and demons again, I just don't know if I could handle the intensity that comes with Angel. Maybe someday I'll be able to do that. But not right now.  
On a less intense note, I got a reply from Dawn. She seems excited about seeing the new home. She's never lived in a big city outside of university. She's happy that I'm finally getting on with my life. I know how much hated seeing me wallow in everything I've lost. She'll be coming home soon for a break. It feels like forever since I've seen her. It's funny, Dawn really hasn't been my sister for that long, and yet I have memories and emotions for her as though she's been in my life since the beginning. I remember when she was just a key, just a thing. Something for the slayer to protect. Now she's my sister and one of the most important persons in my life. I'd do anything for her.  
I wonder if San Francisco has any vampires. It must, look at the size of the city! There's no way there are this many people and no vamps. There's too much innocent prey for them not to be here. I really want to patrol. I miss the graveyards. How creepy does that sound? But it's true. There's just an eerie but peaceful silence that comes with them. I love it. Graveyards are like my niche. Its comfort zone, a place where I feel like a belong. Strange isn't it? The slayer feels most at home, where her vampires feel most at home. It's settled as soon as I get settled in I'll hit the first graveyard. The thrill of the chase, and kill might even be enough to lift my spirits, it could bring a bit of joy in my life. Oh my God! Who am I? I sound like a psychopath! It's so funny, I'm actually sitting here and laughing. That's right laughing! I don't think I've laughed once since Dawn left. I haven't even hit the graveyards yet, and slaying is already making me happy. It's quite likely that I won't even find any vampires, but just the thought of patrolling makes my entire body tingle. Oh, I'm excited! Well I think I have to go and finish unpacking stuff. Then I need to find a job! Go Buffy Go!  
  
Alright! Woooo! Doing good! Don't worry though Spike and Buffy will reunite fairly soon I hope. I'm writing it and I don't even know!! Aaak!! That can't be good. No but actually, they'll find eachother soon. I PROMISE! 


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